What to do when Guilt is a Roadblock to Rest.
Guilt: A major roadblock to rest.
It’s the easiest thing in the world to feel guilty over taking time to rest.
I felt this guilt the most intensely as a young mom. I was exhausted often—or simply overwhelmed with the new infinite to-do list.
Feeding babies, changing diapers within a sleep deprived state is endless—but combined with the daily household needs, cooking meals, and actual work work (like for our small business) had me in a tizzy often.
But when I desired a break—and really needed it—I would feel too guilty. I would worry about someone else’s needs instead (namely the kids’ or my husband’s—even if they weren’t asking me to), or I was feeling guilt over the million tasks that needed to be accomplished first. (At the time we had a sustainable farm that included hundreds of egg-laying hens and the need to wash and carton those beautiful golden nuggets laid was never ending—so even if the laundry was caught up and the house semi-clean and the kids asleep…there were always eggs—I know any other small-time farmer out there can relate).
Guilt can be an incredibly helpful guiding compass in life, but at times it can be misplaced and perhaps hint that there’s something that requires our release of control—or a reframing of our thinking. In that season, I began to sense that the guilt I felt actually did not belong and was keeping me trapped from something that truly mattered—though I did not know how to think about it yet or put that into clear words.
As a 30-year-old mom of two little girls, I wrote in notes accompanying me to what would be my first, oh-so-helpful counseling appointment:
“I’m overwhelmed all the time: stress of start up business, working at home with kids! (truly, for me, I can’t exclamation point that one enough), managing other various roles (mom, wife, cook, cleaner of big house/property, household/business accountant—which is not my natural gift set, maintaining relationships across the board) while also trying to care for myself. Can’t figure it out. On a spiritual level, not truly resting. Sucked dry. But I would rather make it harder for myself than someone else.”
My notes ended with questions:
What things can I do so I don’t feel sucked dry all the time? I don’t want life to pass by feeling joyless.
How do I navigate feeling bogged down? How do I set boundaries? How do I move past feeling bad about wanting to stop and take a break sometimes?
Addressing the Guilt
None of the suggestions I will posit below are a magic bullet to eradicate the guilt often connected to need for real rest. But, they are the three simple considerations that did, quite literally, awaken me to new freedom as a young mom—where guilt over taking care of myself no longer had claim as my master.
You need what you need.
Sometimes as humans, we’re containers. We hold a lot in, and we need space to let it go. We need to admit we are not limitless creatures. We are finite—which means we have needs. And by definition of being a human, rest is one of those innate needs we have.
That feeling you may have right now desiring rest is meant to be there.
I recently read from Sarah Clarkson’s book, Reclaiming Quiet, “But we hear the word limit in much the same way we hear the word quiet; as a form of subtraction, a curtailment of what could or ought to be ours. We despise it as old-fashioned, a diminishment of personal freedom.”
But, as she goes on to make the point, what if recognizing our limits actually gave way to an increase of freedom?
What if limits are good?!
As I faced my guilt head on, it was this thought that changed everything for me—and often as I would (and still do) consider what it means, a calming wave of relief will wash over me. In some beautiful, paradoxical way, it gives the glorious permission and so much freedom to “need what I need.” And one thing I needed, both then and now, was permission to admit I feel limited—often.
What would you want for someone else?
This question gets me every time. It’s why, in part, I write so often about rest. It’s why I’m the one who will always encourage you to do that extra thing that will give margin for you to “need what you need”—to admit you have limits and for those limits to matter.
I also really desire for my kids to learn the same wholistic balance. I want the value of rest to be natural to them. I want them to taste and know the goodness of real rest. I want them to regularly pause from the frenzy to enjoy the world around them and to recognize the reaching beauty within moments of quiet.
So this all means that I have to care about it for me too. I am increasingly realizing that modeling it well for my kids is one of the best gifts I can give to support their own journey. Remembering this helps me to take time for what I need so that hopefully, one day as adults (and even now young kids), my children will take time for what they need too.
Consider rest as a value.
When I value something it means it’s really important in life and begins to take greater priority.
I once heard someone say that we live in the most exhausted culture in history. While exhaustion in seasons is inevitable, it’s not meant to consume our lives. We’re not meant to be machines, but designed to need rest—which means it must be important to life.
The simple truth that is so often hard to actually believe is: REST IS GOOD.
Where to go from here?
I am not an expert but I will share what helped me. If guilt resonates with you, start by identifying why you feel that way.
What is it that specifically makes you think you cannot take time to rest—or that it’s wrong in some way? Do you feel judged by someone else? Are you worried you’re asking too much from someone else (your kids, your spouse, etc.)? Would you rather be busy to drown out hard parts of life? Do you feel like you’re expected to be limitless?
Put a name to your guilt—and then have compassion for yourself—meaning realize that you’re not alone in this place. This is not an article to make you feel guilty about your guilt. This is one of the four most common roadblocks to rest, and recognizing it is huge!
Once you’ve put a name to your guilt, then consider addressing and reframing it head on. Perhaps start by asking:
Do you allow yourself to need what you need? Do you give yourself permission to rest?
What would you want for someone else? What do you want to model for your kids? How does this inform your guilt?
Do you consider rest as a value in your life? How do you want that to play out in daily life? How does this reshape the place guilt has in connection to rest?
I am not free of guilt 100% of the time—but I’ve made a lot of progress over the last ten years. Enough to really believe that when it comes to creating space for real rest (which can look a thousand different ways), guilt has no place. And I hope that as we continue living our lives full of so many hard and good things, that collectively, we’ll encourage one another within each busy day to really believe…
Rest is good.
A Little Housekeeping…
I’ve realized publishing articles on Sundays is a bit of a strain—which is one of the reasons, in admitting limits, I delayed sending this post out for a bit. Beginning this coming week, I’m planning to publish articles regularly on Saturday mornings, and I am hoping that will be a better fit for many. Thanks for being here!